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A Confederacy of Dunces at Las Vegas City Hall

Las Vegas City Council members Stavros Anthony, left, Michele Fiore, Mayor Carolyn Goodman and councilman Cedric Crear approved a controversial ordinance banning sleeping in public areas in Las Vegas. Wednesday, Nov. 6, 2019. (Jeff Scheid/The Nevada Independent)

Mayor Carolyn Goodman, Councilwomen Michele Fiore and Victoria Seaman and City Attorney Brad Jerbic are in the elevator on the way to the council meeting.

None are wearing masks. Seaman and Fiore are sharing a scone. Goodman and Fiore are drinking out of the same straw in a flavored iced tea.

“Are you ready to let them have it, mayor?” asked Fiore, clutching a printed copy of Newsmax’s latest. “You see I’m wearing my lab coat, too! That ought to help send the message.”

“Yes, I am,” replied Goodman. “I was talking to Oscar last night and we agreed: Sisolak has no clue what he is doing. Data, shmata. He’s making stuff up. Just like he did when he was chair of the commission and didn’t want me to come to the Strip. So petty. Now it’s my turn!”

“You have total authority to do this,” said Jerbic. “You always have total authority. That will always be my opinion. Also, this is just like the flu.”

Seaman then chimed in, “I have been boning up on the Constitution, mayor. I want you to know that you are fully protected by the Sixth and Seventh Amendments, and the Tenth may apply, too. Chuck Muth agrees. And Rob Lauer.”

“That’s good enough for me,” chirped Fiore. “Those two are better than any so-called medical researchers or doctors out there. And I saw another piece on OANN last night saying this all may be a hoax cooked up by the Deep State.”

“That makes sense to me,” said Goodman. “It’s like Oscar once said: ‘I’m going to run the city the way I want to run the city. I’m the mayor!’ This whole thing is nuts. Social distancing is silly. People should be going out and eating every night, preferably at Oscar’s. Have I mentioned our restaurant is getting killed?”

“Every day,” Seaman replied. “I was reading Gateway Pundit yesterday, and he had some good stuff on hydrochloraquine. It’s a miracle drug. Why wouldn’t Sisolak let us take it? It’s unconstitutional what he is doing.”

“Of course it is,” retorted Goodman. “Oscar understands the Constitution, too. We were discussing it last night as we dosed each other with hydrochloraquine, which is why we are both immune and go out without masks all the time. I should have run for governor as Oscar told me to. Think how much better shape we would be in now if I had. The Strip would be open. Oscar’s would be open!”

They arrive at the chambers floor and exit the elevator. As they walk out, Goodman sneezes, not into her elbow, but right on Jerbic.

“No worries, mayor,” he said. “You have total authority to do that.”

Near the chambers, the three members of the council were chatting, six feet apart, all masked. (Stavros Anthony was at a campaign event for his County Commission race and was absent.)

“You go after her, Cedric,” Olivia Diaz was urging Councilman Crear.

“No, you do it, Olivia,” Crear said. “It’s your turn.”

“But she might be mean to us and take us off committees,” Brian Knudsen replied. “Is this really a principle we want to risk not being on the RTC for?”

“Shhh,” said Diaz. “She’s coming.”

Goodman approached the trio and said, “I’m the mayor. I hope you will back me up in my call for the governor to end this insanity.”

“What insanity, mayor?” Crear asked. “Have you been talking to your chief epidemiologist, Brad Jerbic, again?”

“Brad does what he is told, as should you, Cedric,” Goodman replied. “One hundred thirty people have died. That’s less than a half a percent of the population of the state.”

“You can’t be serious, mayor?” Diaz interjected. “When you were going around telling everyone how terrible 1 October was, should someone have pointed out that was less than a quarter of 1 percent of the population. That only 60 people died?”

“That was different,” Her Honor said. “A madman did that. And thank God he’s dead.”

“The point is, mayor, the virus is NOT dead,” Knudsen said. “It’s very much alive and killing people every day.”

“It’s like the flu,” Jerbic, who had come up besides the mayor said. “Lots of people die from the flu. The mayor has total authority here.”

Fiore and Seaman, arm in arm, approached the others.

“I know you all are jealous of me being mayor pro tem,” Fiore began. “But the mayor is correct, and if you all don’t back us up, we will tell you to sit the hell down and shut up.”

“The Constitution says we can do that,” Seaman chimed in.

“God save the queen,” Diaz whispered.

They all took their seats, and the council meeting began. Her brow sweating a bit, Goodman was about to begin reading a prepared statement when she started to sneeze uncontrollably. Jerbic gave her his handkerchief, which she returned to him after blowing her nose. He put it in his pocket.

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